On the precipus of change, still wondering if this is right for me.

 In the 4/5 days of work this week, I have gone through a huge, enormous shift in emotions. Monday was super awesome and empowering realizing how far I had come in my career and how passionate I am about what I do. I have become someone awesome in my field and I'm proud of that.  So very proud. They had us read an article about what teaching should look like and I saw myself in the article. I also found frustration in the lack of other teachers that could be doing and making huge strides in education, but are just hanging on to old fashion models of teaching and not looking at what is best for our students.  Then tuesday slapped me in the face. I was PMSing and emotional as hell. Got in an 4:20am run and felt pretty go about it despite being sore from wearing the wrong shoes on my sunday run, but then I think maybe my fatal mistake was going back to sleep? The extra hour of sleep was delightful... but... I don't know. I felt behind the rest of the day. Helped Nick out by getting the kids ready while he attended a symposium, but then ended up late to work, late to my sub gig for 6th graders, and then had ended my day with my biggest class that tends to struggle with focus and with content. And I don't know if it was a full moon or what, but they were wild. Then to top it off I had a really productive after school time, but lost track of time and was late for picking up Carlos. By the time I got home I was such a mess and still had spanish lessons that night. It was a prime example of trying to be my best self at work and leaving myself depleted at home. It's so frustrating. I want to stay at my job and I have a deep love for what I do and developing these young men, but my boundries are not strong enough to allow me to walk away from work, leave everything behind and be a good mom to my kids. 


I'm just bummed... 

The rest of the week gradually got better. This is going to be a really hard semester. It hurts still to leave teaching. I've had so many of my guys come down and talk to me, ask me not to leave. There are so many good guys that I really enjoy talking to and watching them grow. On the other hand, apparently I have a 7 year itch, and it's an itch I need to scratch. I have to figure out what my grown up job is going to be. By the end of the week, my wild class didn't phase me and I was happy to spend the weekend with my kids. 


I have a lot of worries on my plate. And some frustrations and things I just need to let go of. Friday I got to just relax with my children and have a nice evening. Saturday was girl time, I got to vent and just hang with two sets of friends. I also had the opportunity to take my uncle and my oldest to a train show. We had a blast! Sunday was harder. I love my husband's parents, but I just feel like I don't fit in and don't belong with Nick's Brothers. I rarely struggle to build connections, but I just feel awkward and out of place when it comes to his siblings and their families. And then I end up running my mouth about stupid stuff like I do when I'm uncomfortable. 


Mission this week: Focus on ME! Loving me and accepting me. No job hunting and no worring about what is next, just focus on today and enjoy it, take it in. 


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