Not my best moments

This past week really hasn't been good healthwise. I'm trying so hard to just keep going and ignoring the uptick of symptoms so I can still be "normal me" with a job, hang with my kids, and still see friends, but it's getting harder. 

I need to get this off my chest because I think I'm on the verge of a panic attack. For a while now I've been having trouble sleeping. If any of the kids wake me up at night (or I wake up to pee) it is such a challenge to go back to sleep. I think I"'m averaging 3-4 hours of sleep a night because of the itching and general discomfort on top of Carlos waking me.  My blood pressure has skyrocketed, even with the increased BP medicine dose and now I'm just straight up swelling ALL the time. Friday I had a headache so bad (either from muscle tension from sleeping poorly, High Blood pressure, OR just a general migraine... no idea which) I spent 30 minutes after work vomiting up the only meal I had eaten that day. I've been short of breath and feeling off all weekend. My chest just feels heavy. So of course, stupid me resorted to Doctor Google and my suspicions were correct, you can get pulmonary edema from End-stage renal disease (ESRD). In non-science terms that means I can get fluid in my lungs because my body can't get rid of the water fast enough and it can cause shortness of breath, sleeping issues, sleep apnea (which I think I'm acquiring because I keep waking up with a dry throat and lips, so at some point in the night I'm mouth breathing). I'm so scared. I don't want to be the steel magnolia's chick and just have someone find me dead on the floor.  I know I'm being dramatic and the cinematographic story behind Steel Magnolias was very dramatized, if she was in ESRD then other symptoms would have been displayed before she just passed out and died on the floor... it just is a scary thought. 

Luckily, I have a stupidly huge network of people who love and support me. Nick holds me as I melt down and cry and takes on all the jobs I can't do because I have nothing left to give after six. At least six people with O blood stepped forward and are completing paperwork for the next steps for transplant workup. One friend already passed one round and I think my sister will pass round one too. March 14th is go day for me to get all my testing and workup done.  

Dear God in Heaven, if you are there please let me keep kicking it till June. Then things can crap out on me. I just want to finish the semester doing what I love and then I PROMISE I'll take a breather, sit on my arse and get myself fixed. I don't want to die, I want to see my kids grow older, graduate hs, and go on to do good things. 

This sounds dire, and I'm just emotional tonight. I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. So if you read this, take it with a grain of salt because I'm just a little extra anxious and sad tonight. Most of my lows are solved by a good night sleep (and I took a Benadryl so hopefully I will actually sleep).  

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